RAINBOW RAIN

No Place to Stay?

2012-02-09T20:33:00.000+07:00

I get no idea when it comes talking about where I will want to live. It's not because I don't know some nice cities, I just can't decide what place is best for me to stay. It's not that easy like I want to live in that city then I move there. It's more than just moving, it's about family, work and other things a girl can worry about.

Sometimes, when I feel alone here I really just want to go back to hometown. Stay with my family because lonely is the first thing I am scared of. I will never feel all alone if my family is around. Even though I can't make much money there, but I would feel content. This world is not just about thing called money but also LOVE.

But....when I feel I have someone and friends here who care about me, I feel strong. I feel like I can survive in any place I stay in. Even I live far from family. They are motivating system for me to keep walking in rough path. It's about love again.

Well I don't need to decide soon about future living place. I just am thinking what my life would be tomorrow. I like imagining what I will do after this or what job I will work on. But everything seems still so vague now.

Untitled

2012-01-24T13:01:00.000+07:00

I am so afraid when thing is suddenly changing when I am not ready yet

House of Sampoerna

2012-01-23T21:36:00.001+07:00

I got somewhere to visit today, House of Sampoerna (HoS), a museum of famous cigarette company in Surabaya which is also a preserve historical site. Besides museum, we can also see 3.000 women rolling Kretek cigarette using traditional equipment. You know they can roll more than 325 sticks per hour. The place is quite good, the building is classical and unique but it is more about the story of founding family of Sampoerna.

This Kebaya is so gorgeous. It's simple but so elegant and beautiful. I don't know the story about this Kebaya or who wore it. I didn't hear what Ms. Guide was telling about because I was busy adoring this pretty traditional apparel and imagining I had one like this.

Their marching band ever joined Tournament of Roses in California

Sometimes I don't understand why we have to be proud of having a big cigarette company and cigarette museum.

Relaxing Sunday

2012-01-22T21:28:00.000+07:00

I have been listening to music all over day today. My room was full of random songs, my mind was loaded by many various lyrics. Some songs were played many times and I didn't realize it has been dark here.

It was a lazy Sunday. I was just nestling inside room. Sleeping, listening to music, reading, scrolling over blog, chatting, thinking, daydreaming, such passive activities. I don't know why my bed became too comfortable to leave and I was so unwilling to go out.

But I didn't feel like I was in a secluded place somewhere in forest because I still could get in touch with the world, yeah thanks for internet. It made me skip going-out-time in weekend. But I enjoyed it, I had no friend to go out with anyway. So, it was just a relaxing Sunday.

Tomorrow, I still have one day off. I still have no plan, but one certain thing I know I will do is sleeping.

Stupid Silly

2012-01-20T08:23:00.000+07:00

I woke up this morning with feeling silly. I am ashamed of my behavior yesterday. I said something stupid, acted strange. I was so silly.

My mind becomes more clear after waking up in the morning. I think about what I did last day and I feel so silly and stupid. How illogical my mind that day. I couldn't control my self like this soul was not mine. It belonged to another one that was controlling me.

I always blame this stupid behavior to childishness and sensitivity. I know those are bad habit and could hurt someone else but why I still let them growing up inside me. Should I close my ears and eyes and feel nothing?

Acceded or Revised

2012-01-17T12:52:00.000+07:00

I feel like my life right now depends on two things. Acceded or Revised.

I have been writing mini thesis for S1 degree in this chapter of my lecture life. As I am a teacher wanna-be, my mini thesis is about education. I took classroom action research as the research method. For your information, it is not a quantitative research method neither a qualitative one but it is a mix of both research method term. It deals with something like 'Improving a certain skill using a certain media'. But it is not as simple as it sounds.

Really, writing thesis was exhausting. It stressed me out for more than 5 months. It took away my freedom. I spent much time thinking of it. I feel like most of my mind was about thesis. No, it was not because I put 95% of my concentration on it but it was more because 'Oh my God, the thesis dateline is next week, I even have not finished Chapter 4'. The problem was on me, procrastination and slow. Thesis was like a monster eating us alive.

After finishing one chapter, we have to propose it to our adviser. That is a thrilling one. I was so nervous when the adviser reading and checking it in front of me. I was always looking at her expression and being worried. Then, I was tense about what she was going to say. Acceded or Revised.

I was drifting up and down because of words as Acceded or Revised. Acceded means go on and come back here with your next work. Revised means go back home and check again your work. Mood, temperament, personality and my motivation depend on these magical words.

Chapter 1 until 5 all have been finished. But Acceded or Revised session is not over yet. Tomorrow, I have to submit all the complete mini thesis to my adviser. She will check it again before I hear her saying, go to your head of department and do registration for mini thesis exam on this January 28.

The execution is getting closer now. *scared

Relax and Sleep

2012-01-15T21:58:00.000+07:00

What is the most favorite thing when it's raining? yes, sleeping.

Sometimes it feels strange. Staring out at the window, it looks so cold outside but instead of being frozen you feel calm and warm inside your room. You even enjoy the interesting view of water pouring down from the sky. It is a pretty embellishment as a setting to lay down on bed. That is the strange amazing thing about raining.

I don't think that rain is noisy. It is even the best time to enhance your soft music. The sound of the rain is like rhythm that you need melody to compose a nice tunes to make your day. Then, you will forget about being alone and bored. Raining befriends sometimes.

Cuddle under blanket, your bed felt more comfortable, relax and sleep......

How Can I Forget about You 6

2012-01-11T10:48:00.000+07:00

After you got sick from drinking unhygienic orange ice from food stall, you always bought cold drink from mini market before we went to eat. You spent so much time choosing what drink. You were always confused. That was so cute of you. hahaha

I think mineral water was your desperate drink. That was the last option if you couldn't decide what you would drink.

I like mini market.

I Won't Give Up On Us

2012-01-07T12:35:00.000+07:00

I am deeply madly falling in love in this song. The music, the lyric, Jason's voice, the video clip, the everything. I love it. It will be the song I will be listening to for many many times. It will be the most played tune. I am a girl who like good tunes. It is like a broken heart song but trust me it is a romantic broken heart song.

The First Day

2012-01-03T09:30:00.001+07:00

My first day of 2012 was bad. My internet was so bad, my first post was a sad one, and I didn't get a scholarship that I applied. It was worse for the first day of a new year but I don't believe if my 2012 will be totally gloomy.

It rained hard on the new year eve here. I was worried if we couldn't see fireworks sparkling at the sky. But raining did not stop us from celebrating the happiness of new year. After the rain touched everything at the night of new year eve, it was so fresh in the morning. I woke up in the early morning, I went out and felt fresh. It was very nice.

There's always good thing walking side by side with the bad one and vice versa . I know the bad things I had will be followed by something nice which I never expect before. I just need to do my best, be more logical, and enjoy my life.

Delete 'You' File

2012-01-02T01:58:00.000+07:00

Maybe I am just wasting my time because it will not work eventually. I am just waiting for nothing.

I don't know why I am still here. I don't know what I should do. I am stuck. I should move on and turn to my next chapter. I should not only focus on you because I have many lists to finish. But I don't know how.

I am so weak and I hate it.

I wish my memory was like files on computer that I could delete. I could drag the memory that I don't want to save into dustbin. Maybe I would feel much better. I don't regret anything, I just want to walk without things about you weigh me.

How Can I Forget About You 5

2011-12-24T18:35:00.000+07:00

I had instant noodle cup for breakfast today. I remember......

"We had instant noodle cup for lunch after we arrived from harbor. You had chicken curry flavor and I had bakso flavor. You said yours was much better than mine. It was too small to make you full but it was a good lunch."

How Can I Forget About You 4

2011-12-23T21:46:00.000+07:00

When I smell Zinc Re-Freshing Cool shampoo, I smell your hair.

How Can I Forget About You 3

2011-12-23T18:51:00.000+07:00

There is a Kebab Turki stall near my office. When you were here you liked eating Kebab, one without tomato and cucumber.

It was one of our favorite meals. I couldn't eat all of a big Kebab by myself, you always finished it.

You Will Be Here Again, So Walk On

2011-12-23T11:20:00.001+07:00

I know I will be Okay. But it's too painful now to act like everything is going well. I can't hide my feeling, That's why I wrote it here. It sounds like so pathetic and miserable but I want to pour over here so I can abandon this burden. I am not that strong to carry this in my shoulders. I want to pull out all of it, leave it here so I can walk lightly.

You are just out of track of my life now. You are just not involved in my routine list anymore. You are just living away from me.You are just taking different road. You are just there and I am here. This was just a bend and now I should go back straight walking on my own way. In fact, I still can hear about you, what you're doing, where you are at. You are not totally gone, are you not? Please, say yes. I will pretend like you are not very far because you are always here, living in my mind.

Maybe someday, we will meet again.
Who knows.

How Can I Forget about You 2

2011-12-23T10:17:00.002+07:00

You left many of your stuffs here

Old Strange Phase

2011-12-22T22:15:00.000+07:00

I am back again to the old phase, waking up in the morning, going to work, attending classes, staying at boarding house. People said I have been back to my normal life. But it's strange for me. It's different with what I used to do. I feel like it's not normal, it's new and weird.

I miss the days when I met you in the morning, had lunch with you and spent evening with you. That was my normal life. With you. Here.

I miss you.

How Can I Forget about You 1

2011-12-22T15:38:00.000+07:00

My friend made a cup of coffee and she put non-diary creamer and white sugar. It reminded me of you.

"In one morning, you sipped your coffee with facing to laptop screen."

I am not Okay

2011-12-20T15:57:00.000+07:00

I wish this story was a song that I could replay it and start over it again. I can't believe that you are going to leave soon. I can't tell you what I am feeling right now. This is the hardest part. I don't know how my life will be without you. Thing that I know is I am going to miss you so bad.

Crying is the only expression that I can do. My heart is aching whenever I am thinking about your leaving. I know you don't like to see me cry. But I can't help. Because I am not Okay. I am broken. I feel like I will be lost after you are gone.

I wish you were a thing that I could keep. forever. I would never let you go. It sounds like I am so obsessed with you but this is what I really wish for because it's really hard to see your back for the last time.

Take Me Back

2011-12-07T16:12:00.001+07:00

What I want right now is going back to the past. In the morning, when I heard my mother's voice waking me up. It's school time. I rode my red bicycle to school in hurry. I always woke up late. It sounds like my life has been so messy since I was a kid. I didn't like school but I liked meeting friends and break time. Even though everyday was same but I didn't feel it was a boring routine.

My worry was not as much as right now. In my mind, future was colorful. I didn't know what I wanted to be but it seemed like being a growing girl was fun and exciting. I didn't know if I will be a girl who is worried about everything. Work, study, relationship are such of things to be worried about. What if things turn to be bad. What if they turn around and leave me. What my life will be. Many things scare me.

It doesn't mean I am not grateful of life I have. I just feel stuck in this madness. I feel like world is so narrow and it's hard to breathe. I want to go back to my childhood just to feel again the color of life. My life right now is colorful but it's changing so often. I can not enjoy the beauty of each color. It makes me blind.

Sad as Well as Happy

2011-11-17T16:38:00.000+07:00

When we are in the lowest level, the only thing that will happen is going up. There's no way to get in the lower of the lowest part. Then somehow, power is filling up inside and encouraging you to stand up. We will not let ourselves get drawn because we deserve so much more. Time, as people say is the best healer. Time passed, then we realize that we do not feel the pain anymore. It's not as hurt as before. It's gone.

But, it's hard to know that sadness will come soon. And we don't know how to face it. We never be ready to be sad. Just because we know we will be sad, that makes us even more sad.

There's always sadness walking side by side of happiness. I'm scared of being very happy because that could lead to tear. But I don't know why I feel stronger after I cry.

Sadness could bring in to destruction but in other side, it could give us power to raise us up.

Did You Get My Message?

2011-10-25T15:44:00.000+07:00

One of my favorite things is leaving you a message when you're sleeping. I wish I could see your expression when you wake up then get my message. Do you smile? are you shocked? I always imagine how you will react on my message. I don't know why but it's a cute thing to write you a message and leave it while you are sleeping. This is funny, I can tell you about this when we are talking but I like telling you this on message.

There are always many things I like to talk to you and hear about you. Writing something to you gives me a chance to tell you more what inside my mind is and what I am feeling. It also shows you how I really really enjoy communicating with you that I need more space to talk. Even sometimes we get misunderstanding that get us annoyed but that is the color of a relationship. Hope grey is not the only color burst upon us.

Waiting for your reply is another exciting thing. I always can't wait for a long time to know what you will say as a response of my message. That is thrilling yet interesting. And if you don't reply it in the next day, there is a worry. Did you get my message? Did I send it to a wrong person? Did I say something wrong. Leaving message makes me anxious actually but it is fun.

And also....getting your message brightens my day!!

Me, like Ocean

2011-10-18T15:02:00.000+07:00

Thing that comes out from my mind when we are broken is "you don't understand me". But when I think about it over and over again my mind becomes clear and I realize it is me who never understand you. My ego is big that I only listen to myself. I guess I am too childish to see problem from many points of view and to think rationally. Then at the end, I am burnt by my own selfishness.

I am so imaginative to think about what might happen. I describe it as pain and bad scenes. That makes me so sensitive and I feel upset easily. I can't keep my emotion by myself because it hurts inside. I want to express it out so you know what I'm feeling. But then it stabs us like a sharp knife. I feel guilty, you say it's okay. That makes me more guilty.

So, I am sorry....I am sorry....I am so very sorry. Now, I wonder how can you survive with me who have mood like ocean?

Walk On

2011-10-17T15:15:00.000+07:00

I asked something too much. I expected something too high. And when everything turned to be not okay, I fell down. I was broken. Nobody could repair me.

Here I am now, in pieces of broken heart, in a pathetic confusion, in a indecision, in a way I call it growing up.

I'm learning me. Figuring out how simple things can puzzle me like I am lost and there is no way out. But I will be still standing here, facing this like it is just a smoke that will be clear as I walk on.

Walk on and on.....like nothing hinders you. Like you have very strong power. Because you do have that.

Hard to Say GoodBye

2011-09-28T12:42:00.000+07:00

There are people you love but you have to let them go.

It's so sad to hear that my co-worker will resign from office. It's a sudden decision. This is the last week she works here. She doesn't live far from here, but it seems like she's going to go far away. Like we would never meet again for so long. I hate parting, especially with someone who is so kind and you have worked with her for years. Someone who gives you good suggestion and motivates you to become a better person.

There are so many things to talk that a few days feel like too short. There are many things I want to do for her as I would not see her every morning in this office.

She has packed her stuff, she has finished all things to be finished, she has been ready to leave, she has been certain about what she has decided. Genuinely, I'm sad, we're sad but I believe this is what she wants. She knows what she is doing. This is the best thing for her, her family, and may be this office. We can't force her to stay even in our deep heart, if we could, we would beg her to stay.

If there was a word to thank more than "Thank you", I would like to say it to her.

We Like Good Tunes

2011-09-23T14:26:00.000+07:00

I always give a minute to try to listen to any song someone suggests me. Old music, rock, pop, R&B, Indie, any genre of music, I will give them a chance. Because one of things that makes me happy is listening to good tunes. I feel like I find a way when I get a good music to listen to.

Even music can't solve your problems, but listening to music is like it's always here for you, even you can only hear it. It's always waiting for you to click the 'play' button to give your realm a symphony. It tries to tell you something you need to know. It is your close friend. It is your nice distraction from the noise of world.

Music sometimes tears me down, but in a great way. Songs are written to convey a message to any listener. It's completely up to you, you want to accept it or not. Sad songs never try to hurt you but it wants to tell you the truth. Tears roll down my cheeks when I hear a song about family. But it makes me realize how I love them and miss them a lot.

Everyone has own personal taste if it comes to music. But I'd like to share 10 songs which are in my top 'Now Playing' list, Enjoy:

1. Monster // Paramore

2. Decode (Acoustic Version) // Paramore

3. Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F) // Katy Perry

4. Moves like Jagger // Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera

5. Skyscraper // Demi Lovato

6. Cheers (Drink to That) // Rihanna

7. Wish You were Here // Avril Lavigne

8. Bubbly // Colbie Caillat

9. Mr. Curiosity // Jason Mraz

10. Ignorance // Paramore

Do share your good tunes!

In a Mess

2011-09-20T15:22:00.000+07:00

Life has been becoming so crazy recently. And it's going to be even worse if you know what stuffs are on my bag list of this semester. I am not sure if I will do all of these things well and successfully without any complain. And I can't believe I decided to work on them at the same time, same period, same semester.

Here the nightmares are

1. Doing teaching internship in school

2. Going to work

3. Attending classes, precisely 5 classes

4. Finishing thesis

Hope it will be over soooooon!!!

Btw, I need an organizer.

Back From Home

2011-09-05T14:37:00.000+07:00

It's been awhile, no it's been a loooong time since my last post. I missed this bloggy but on the bright side, I enjoyed my holiday at home.

Spending one week at home was nice. It was a good time to eat and sleep a lot. ~~Sounds so lazy~~.

My Ied Mubarak day was Okay. I am very grateful that I could celebrate it with father, mother and brother. There are many mistakes I made. I feel like just saying sorry to them is not enough. But forgiving each other made us felt better.

Coming back home was like turning back to childhood. I found my red cat doll which has been worn out. I still remember when i was a kid it was my favorite doll and i brought it anywhere with me. But now thing that i always bring is my mobile phone. life changes. I also got my old clothes when i was a kid. My mother still keeps them. She ever said that someday if i am married and have a daughter, she will give the clothes to her. Yeah vintage clothes are famous right now. I just don't know when I will have a child.

Hope everyone has a great day!!!

I Want to be a Girl

2011-08-24T11:43:00.000+07:00

I want to be a girl who inspires other girls

I want to be a girl who stands on my own feet without any fear to be left

I want to be a girl who can cheers anyone else up

I want to be a girl who enjoys simplicity as well as complexity

I want to be a girl who is always in love and happy

I want to be a girl who is grateful for every little thing in my life

I want to be a girl who always gives myself when doing something

I want to be a girl who is carefree when someone judges me

I want to be a girl who is stubborn in a great way

I want to be a girl who keeps walking and running even though everyone is laughing at me

I want to be a girl who appreciates beauty

I want to be a girl who goes out in style

Be Ready for Home

2011-08-23T09:49:00.000+07:00

Six days remain before Idul Fitri day (Muslim feast day). I am so excited to celebrate it. I can't wait for longer day to go home to my hometown to meet family and friends. To forget about work and college, to eat a lot.

A few days before the big day is kind of hard for me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy fasting, I like breakfasting time, and having Sahur is challenging. But I feel like I have run out of energy, I am so lazy lately and my stomach seems like scolding to me, I got bad stomachache.

Getting home for Idul Fitri is the most challenging story. I will go home this Sunday, 3 days before the glory day and that means I will have a very long trip because that will be stuck in the street, a massive people will also be going home to their hometown. Hah....what a fun moment!

I changed my blog's template.

2011-08-22T09:23:00.000+07:00

I like this new template but I did something that I regret of. I lost ALL of the blog links I kept on my blog. I got what I wanted but I gave up another thing.

It's because of my lack of knowledge. I should have saved the links before I changed the template. But it was too late, I considered that after I lost all of my favorite blogs. What a fool and silly girl I am. I could search for the links to get them back but I am not sure I can remember all of the names.

*sigh

Lesson learned

By the way I changed the name also. I don't know why I did it, I just thought it was nice.

Sometimes.......

2011-07-27T15:46:00.002+07:00

Sometimes, we lose ourselves in work and life. There are so much things to think and do. We even have no time to think about what clothes we should wear today. Everything seems like organized well with list of things to be settled at the same time. We forget about our favorite song we used to listen. We don't know how to look at the sky with amazement. Because we are too busy to look up at the blue sky.

Sometimes, the world is too noisy. We feel everyone, everything is shouting at us. We hear voices we don't know where they are from. But we have just to listen to our heart because it's true what it says. Don't listen to someone else's heart, it may leads us to what it wants but not what we need. We should focus on what we want to reach not listen to any distractions out there. There are many things that want to kill our dream. It's our job to protect our own dream.

Sometimes, we only need to sit and think, to recognize and reflect. We can't do all of the things because we're not a robot with a remote control. Things feel so hard if we force ourselves to finish them all at the same time. Just sitting and thinking do not mean we are lazy, do not mean we do nothing. We try to figure out things that we don't understand. Our mind is wider than this world. We can imagine what the world can't give.

Sometimes, in those hectic and hasty days......there is one day to restore.

We will Go Back

2011-07-25T13:02:00.000+07:00

It has been a long time since my last post. I didn't leave this blog. I won't. And I will never forget about it.

It seems like I am left behind far away. Everything has been changing. Everyone is moving far without me. They are somewhere I don't understand.

I guess I would walk to different path. I can't always be a shadow of someone's else. I don't know where I will go but standing here alone looking at their back is hard.

I don't have any power to run to them. It's too far away. I thought they were only a few steps in front of me but I just realized that they have been running a miles away. Out of my reach. We are not living in the same universe anymore.

Then, I will just let them go........leaving me......forget about me.
Everything will turn out Okay right. How hard it is, how hurt it does, everything will go back to normal.

Take Me Somewhere

2011-06-23T10:58:00.002+07:00

Everybody is talking about holiday. Everybody is planning about traveling. Everybody is listing down some stuffs to bring for a trip. And me? I am trapped here doing work and college stuffs. I want to run away from here. I want to go along with them to a beautiful place, do something fun, get rid of these papers.

But it seems like I just can crave in it.

This holiday session is not mine. It is out of the list. It is beyond reach. How I really wish I planned something for traveling. How I wish I was walking under the sky of sunshine, sitting in the sand, eating local food or whatever the spot offers for fun. But I just can stay here moving along with this same line.

The weather today is beautiful, isn't it! The sun is shining brightly. The wind is blowing softly. Oh it will be nice, I know it will be, being somewhere out of here.

Please....take me somewhere!!

*begging

I Just Want You to Feel Okay

2011-06-10T08:48:00.000+07:00

I am one of persons who keep telling my self or people around me that everything will be Okay, everything will be just fine.

May be it's kind of boring thing to hear. It's cliche words. It's not what we want to listen to when we are in a wretched condition. The truth is we are facing worse thing right now. So, how can we think everything is fine if it's really not? How can we keep smiling when our heart is in agony? How can we sing a happy song when all of songs can't change the fact that we are in bad? There's nothing Okay.

I am not a girl who am always cheering out. Neither the happiest princess. No. But I just want my self and other people feel all Okay even things goes wrong, even things are in a mess. It's aching for me to see you down. We never know what will happen but as long as we think that it is going to be fine, we will feel just Okay too.

Pain, just like joy, is temporarily. Grumbling is just wasting time. Life's short.
I just want you to feel Okay and Okay and Okay.

June 1st

2011-06-01T10:04:00.000+07:00

What would it be like if we never knew each other?

How would I get through the days without talking with you?

If it were not you,

Would it be just the same? or would it totally change?

I Tell the Sky

2011-05-30T14:34:00.000+07:00

When I look up at the sky, I feel like it speaks to me. I stare over it to figure out what it is trying to tell me. Sometimes it tells me about life, sometimes it says about the secret of beauty. But it often puzzles me. I don't have idea what behinds that blue sky with it's white soft bubble clouds flying up there.

In my eyes, sky is close to me. It is just like a few meters above my head. I feel like I can reach it by only raising my hands up. But when I move my hands up to catch it, it is far from my sight. Sky is out of reach. Sky is untouchable. What we see is not always true.

The sunlight always shines behind the clouds of the sky. No matter how heavy the rain is, how thick the cloudy is, there will be always bright shine in you. It will never fade away your beauty even if it falls for the rain.

I wonder, what is the sky telling you?

The warm of sunset we finally feel.

2011-05-23T11:18:00.002+07:00

It is really a good feeling when the evening sunlight touches your skin. It embraces you and gives you warmly soft touch. We can smell the smile of twilight which is nice like a cup of coffee in the morning. It is tranquil yet awesome. It is gleaming up there.

I sat in the balcony of my boarding house last early evening mesmerized by the sunset. I was chatting with someone whom I wish were there with me. How pretty the sunset was, if he knew that.

How something can be that beautiful in the end
if we want to wait just for a little bit of moment.

pic

I am running in a circle. However fast I run, however far I try to go away from you, I will just always meet you in one point.

2011-05-11T10:57:00.002+07:00

I am not in the right mood today.

I don't want to do anything but lying in my bed listening to 'Decode (Acoustic Version)' by Paramore. I don't have appetite to eat any food but Oreo Golden with Vanilla taste. I don't want anyone because you are the one I want to be with.

It is always all about you. Hey are you living in my mind? You up and down my harmony of life.

I tried to run, run away from you but it seems like that won't be far because somehow I will and want run back to you.

What A Diary Means For You

2011-04-26T14:53:00.000+07:00

Writing diary is like compiling our track of journey. The words we spill into it are thread that link together to a route of our personal life. It is also a reminder for us of what we did, what we passed or what we thought.
It is your way back of life.

When we are writing a diary, we are communicating with it. It is not just about writing but telling. Just like a close friend you like to share with. We tell it with no lie. We don't deceive anyone because it is us who we are telling about or we are telling to. We tell a story just how it is whether it is sweet thing or bitter one. We just want it to be recorded in scribal memory called diary of life.

We don't need to think whether it is a fabulous story or not, because there is no diary writing method and there is no compulsive content in it.
We are a free figure.We are always be our self when we are writing our own journal.

Diary is an important sweet thing for me. I fill it up with countless little words about me and my private universe. Extrovert and introvert are in me. There are things I would like to share to everyone but sometimes keep things inside of a box is like a princess with her treasure.

What about you? Do you like filing up your stories in a little cute Diary?

Love You For Who You Are

2011-04-20T17:42:00.000+07:00

If you got a chance to be someone else, who would you like to be?

Sometimes I feel like I am not always the person I want to be. Sometimes I feel sick and tired of being me. I wish I could be someone else in another place. That might be fun. I don't hate my self, I just want to feel something different and new. I still want to be my self with this chubby cheeks and flat nose but with different personality. That sounds interesting, doesn't it? I wonder what my life would be if I could transform my self into a different world like Hannah Montana with her two personalities.

I guess I would be more confused which personality I would like to be. I would demand to having other personalities and got more depressed with them as I am not a grateful person when the devil of me wants some more of life. It was fun yet doesn't give no risk psychologically.

Be our self is much better. This is what we really are.

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not"

-Kurt Cobain-

We Proud of You, Agnes

2011-04-15T09:27:00.000+07:00

When haters were busy talking
I was busy making it happen.
When they were busy mocking
I was busy walking.
When they were busy laughing
I was busy running.
And they're STILL wondering why they're left behind.

I found this cool saying from CD cover of Agnes Monica's new album 'Agnes is My Name'.

She's really wonderful, she's really great, she's really awesome. And no wonder if her dream to go international is becoming a reality.

I really love her new song, 'Paralyzed' and its video clip is really cool. You better check this out here:

So, Indonesia is not just about corruption, terrorism, crime, porn videos. Indonesia got this cool singer who mix our culture with western culture. And I will be proud about this.

Not Everything I Feel Is Right

2011-04-14T15:51:00.000+07:00

I can't find a word to tell you how I love you. It is like a wind, we can't see it nor touch it. We can only feel it.

My heart is aching when I am thinking of you. Why everything seems impossible. Why everything seems so far away. We live in the same world, we breathe the same air, we are under the same sky. But why, why is it so hard to hold you.

I love you more than I could ever say.

Is it illogical if I dream of you? Am I selfish if you are the only one I want? Is it wrong if I love you?

I don't understand it at all. Never. No one could ever tell me what should I do because no one knows how it feels. They even don't believe it. They couldn't see what I see. I am like in a foggy path and I find my self, alone. I want somebody grab me and take me to their normal life. Because I am scared being here. Waiting for nothing.

It's just another lie. I live in a fairy tale. I want my reality. I want it and I don't care how hard it is. I just want to be me, the real me.

I don't want to hear anything. I don't want any cracking.

No One As Good As Us

2011-04-06T10:54:00.000+07:00

How people treat you is reflecting from your way treating them.

Uncouth person is annoying. We never can stand with a person who doesn't know how to talk kindly or how to act mannerly, can we! It is like all we do is wrong and anything we say is dull for him. It's kind of hard expecting this person to be as sweet as we want. We couldn't change someone's character, because everyone is different and original whether he is black or white. May be it is the way he/she is. It is the way he/she acts.

So, will we stay away from him for any reason forever? will we just ignore him like he never lived in this world? We want to but we couldn't. People need socialize. We can't choose a person like we choose which shoes we want to wear. Are you happy or not, that kind of person is around us.

I think what we can do is to treat him nicely. Talk to him well and manage our temper. People wouldn't say bad things to us if they don't have a reason to do that. If he is still wild, just calm down, listen to him and keep smiling. We just have different way. We can't say he is bad or we are good. Judgmental is not fair here. Because who knows, may be we treat someone else impolitely.

If you find all people around you love you. I guess you also treat them kindly and you are lovable. We will get kindness if we give it our truly kindness.

Pull Me Up, Drift Me Down

2011-04-05T15:19:00.002+07:00

The weather today is like my mood, up and down. It takes us brightly but just a few times, it takes us gloomy. The sun smiles warmly in the morning but it is threatening at night. It was like dry season in the day and rainy season at night. I don't have idea what to call for today season.

I am not in enthusiast about books right now. I let some books sitting in the corner, untouched, unread. I love the books, I love reading, I really do. But sometimes I get a lazy time to mingle with my books. No, I am not bored with them nor betray them, it is just about personal mood. And it has been for a while since my last post here in this space, well Okay I am the one to be blamed for neglecting my Bloggy. I hope I can be more productive in writing and passionate in reading.

I don't know where track I am in right now. I could say I love it so much but just a minute I ignore it. Sounds like I am not a loyal girl, am I? May be it is like a wheel, we get it high but once in awhile we get it low. Many things could pull me up; music, story, cake, ice cream, sleeping, books, friends. But when you get tired of the things, you just need to break for awhile. Not to leave it but to go back loving it. More than before.

Pray For Japan

2011-03-21T12:10:00.000+07:00

One event that is happened in one day even in a few minutes could change the whole thing.

We are praying for Japan. We wish that everything will be better there.

Because I Feel Light

2011-03-04T16:28:00.001+07:00

My posts are only about what I am feeling, what I like, what I hate, what I wish, what I don't wish, what I dream, what I want. It is about me and me. May be I just focus on my self and use me as an object. Because it is easier to dig up something inside your own mind to write about and pull it out into words. I just need to observe my self and that idea flows out naturally. Yeah it is natural till I can't force my self to be productive persistently and regularly. It comes out if it wants to or it is written if it is fated to be told.

I am a free mind wanderer who like to indulge when I am writing. No rules, no methods, no specific topic even no meaning. I don't mind if people call me selfish person who likes showing off my emotions in scribal but I am glad I still can feel something as a life human. And it is really a great pleasure to tell everyone what you are feeling. It is like hundreds pounds of your weight are abandoned.

I write these because sometimes we want to pour them down this space and feel light of it. Everyone needs to share. Everyone needs to write. I never force anyone to read it. I write because I want to write, so you can read it if you want to.

Feel free to write something down and put a big smile in your lips. :D None system against you!

I Like Thee

2011-03-03T16:39:00.000+07:00

I like reading. But I am not a book worm who likes holding a book in front of my face every time. But if it comes to English classical novels, I could be crazy. I could be an obsessed person. I could be such an English classical novels worm. I really wish I had a huge book shelf with many English classical novels sitting on it.

It is hard to find the English classical novels in book version here. But I like much more to having the books than in computer. We can download them and have it for free, I know that will be easier but having the book has own pleasure for me. These old books are not junk but treasure. The more old the book the more I like it. It is like there is a history on these old and worn out books. I don't know how to describe this feeling but when I am reading English classical novel I also adore its oldies and it is like "wow".

Not many bookstores in Surabaya sell English classical novels. And it is really difficult to get the famous ones such the original book of 'Romeo and Juliet' by William Shakespeare, 'Emma' by Jane Austen, 'Scarlet Letter' by Nathaniel Hawthorne. So I tried to search them in online bookstore, I was not lucky to get those great books but I got another fortune to find books by Charles Dickens, 'Oliver Twist' and 'Great Expectation'. The books are second hand but I really don't mind. May be the prize is expensive for old books but it is really not for English classical novels. I clicked the 'order' bottom.

The books arrived this morning!! I can't be happier. Yaayyyy!!!!!

These two books are also adapted to movies. I can say that I love both books and movies.

Dear Charles Dickens : I ADORE you so much. You are such a GREAT WRITER. I like thee. :p

Riot-Riot-Riot

2011-02-22T15:31:00.000+07:00

What kind of music do you like?
Many kind of music: Pop-rock, Alternative rock, Pop, Jazz, Hip-hop

What is your most favorite band?
Paramore

What is your most favorite song?
Ignorance by Paramore

Who is your favorite singer?
Hayley Williams, Paramore's vocalist.

Why do you like Paramore?
Their songs are great, Hayley's voice is wonderful, their music is passionate ehm.....what else? I just like it. :)

It's obvious I love Paramore.
Even two members were out of the band (Josh Farro and Zac Farro *too bad*) but I still love this band and I can't wait to listen to their next songs.
And one of my dreams is watching their live concert. (Praying hard!)

Young, Selfish and Broken

2011-02-10T17:41:00.000+07:00

We broke the glass of our friendship that we had made for months. In the beginning we enjoyed it so much and had fun. The first chapter was just so wonderful and great, so beautiful but when everything was broken, it shattered all around and we couldn't fix it anymore. Perhaps we could but we are too young, selfish and broken.

We don't need a talk, any explanation or any defensive. Everything we do now is just going to be a mess. I know it well, he knows it better. We know what we should do. If he doesn't do anything to repair it, it is his decision.

I was so sad, angry and disappointed. I am so sick of him. I am so sick of me even more. I don't want it to be over, I can't see him go away, leaving me. But this is the condition that I should confront. This is the fact I have to face. And I HATE it. In this world there are people we can't live without but have to let go. And alas! it is the hardest part of this to see he goes away.

I don't know what my life will be without him.
I wish it was just temporary emotion. I wish he would send a message for me and we get along.
I wish I could see his smile again.
I wish he were here.

A Dynamic of Tears

2011-01-25T11:04:00.000+07:00

When you can't break all of the stuff, all you can do is just crying.

I am not a blast emotional person I guess and I can't stay mad at someone for a long time. But if it comes to sadness, anger, disappointment, and sickness of all things and all people around me I just can weep. The tears are streaming down my face when everything is going wrong here. I just can't refrain this. It's like all the emotions inside are insisting to come out to explode like a dynamic. A dynamic of tears.

I can't keep bottle up any emotion I get, I tend to express it with any way I can. And the most exhilarated thing is by crying. I don't know may be yes I am a weeper or a baby cry but I could feel calm down and relieved after crying. Is there any something wrong with me, my thinking or my feeling? I just do not know.

Sometimes when I am angry, I want to break all things that captured my eyes but I am sure I will regret it because it is too bad finding all of your stuffs broken and it will make me busy to clean it up. Troublesome. I want to curse anyone but they will just laugh at me and I will look like a silly girl. Not a good idea though.

Well I am not like a masochist who is pleasure with pain but I just like wreaking any bad emotion by crying. I feel like having been recharged after crying and all burdens inside are released within the overflow of tears that come out.

Do you guys also wreak emotion by crying or am I the only one with a huge dynamic of tears in the edge of my eyes?

Journalists Do Not Tell A Lie

2011-01-17T13:35:00.001+07:00

"There can be no higher law in journalism than to tell the truth and to shame the devil - remain detached from the great"

- Walter Lippmann (American Journalist, 1889-1974)

If you want to be a journalist, the first thing you have to bear in your heart is telling the truth. You can not add some colors in your written to make it more extreme nor omit some real stories because you consider it as an unimportant thing. You can not exaggerate in informing some events or incidents because journalists are not gossiper. You also can not cram your own ideas or opinions into a story or event except you write for opinion site in a newspaper. But what you have to do in journalism is being honest.

That is what I learn from a workshop I joined in. The workshop was held by The Jakarta Post, one of famous printed medias in Indonesia in cooperation with my college,University of IKIP Adibuana, Surabaya on Saturday and Monday, January, 15-16, 2011. Needless to say, this workshop is about journalism and web-blogging. We gained more information and learning about journalism, how to write a good news and feature and what behind news we read everyday.

Pak Riyadi, the Senior Editor of The Jakarta Post and also the presenter in the workshop explained to us that integrity is the most important thing in journalism. Integrity is regarded as the quality of having an intuitive sense of honesty and truthfulness. They will not be integrated newspaper company which get full trust from their readers if they ignore the essential thing in journalism that is truthfulness. As Walter Lippmann, American journalist said in the quote above that truthfulness is the highest law in journalism. Journalists serve their readers with facts and sources. And they have to be honest in conveying the facts and sources.

Trust is like the core in journalism. Even one of Indonesian printed medias, Koran Seputar Indonesia (Koran Sindo) uses 'trustworthy' word as its tag-line that is "Harian Seputar Indonesia, Sumber Referensi Terpecaya" (Seputar Indonesia Daily, Trustworthy Reference Source). It is clear that as media, giving true facts and sources is the main principle in journalism.

Readers take a lot of trust on the newspaper they read. They believe that the news they read everyday with every detail is true. If a journalist writes something wrong or unreal in his/her news, we know the impact is readers will not trust it and they will not read it any more. And the terrible thing is it damages the image of the company.

Trust is valuable. I think it should not only be in journalism but in our daily life also. If we take our trust on someone then sometime he/she breaks it, do you still put a full trust on him/her? I don't think so. And if you want everyone trust you, do not tell a lie.

A Little Simple Thing Which I Call A Miracle

2011-01-13T14:25:00.000+07:00

I was surprised got a message from one of my friends whom I hadn't met for long time. We lost contact and she also didn't call or text me because I knew she was busy with her little family and her job as teacher. And sometimes I was thinking that perhaps she forgot about me and everything we went through. But the message erased that prejudice away. It made me more believe that friendship would never be limited by space and time.

I miss her so bad but I didn't know how to contact her, none of my friends knew her phone number and she was not in my facebook's friend list. Nevertheless I wrote in my facebook status that I miss her a lot, even I knew that she wouldn't know about this at all. Even more she wouldn't consider it that her name was written in one's status. But I just wanted to express my yearning to her and wished she missed me too.

Her message came in the next day after I wrote that status. It was like a magic for me. I think she felt what I felt and she knew what I was thinking. It was really a miracle. It was the power of thought. I didn't know that what I wrote in my status at that time will brought me to the scene that I never guessed even planed before. I am so glad knowing that she and her family are Okay.

I believe that our feeling and thought are so powerful. I know that it was a simple thing that may be it happened to you many times but for me this little simple thing is miracle. It is like a telepathy, we could communicate our feeling through thought. Some famous Electrical experts, such as Thomas Edison, Nikola Tesla, Charles Proteus Steinmetz, Guglielmo Marconi agreed that 'thought can move through air, that thought it self can cause several phenomena just like good radio signal, if the thought is strong and clear'.

I never realized before that our thought is so wondrous. That sometimes we do not need to meet personally or face to face just to feel someone's feeling. We do not always need to meet them intensively just to claim us close. We still can be friend, even we live far away. And we do not need to be a magician or wizard to experience a magic. Our life with every feeling and thought is full of magic and we will never know how it works because it is beyond our ability. Just realize, enjoy, and be happy for it.

What I am scared of

2011-01-08T10:28:00.002+07:00

One of things that I am afraid of in this world is being lonely. I can be so pathetic, miserable, vulnerable and fragile when I find no one besides me but this loneliness. I am really scared of this curse. It's like you live in this earth just all alone. Books, music, movies can't change the fact that I am lonely. I am so sick of this. I have been trying to leave this loneliness alone. Chase it away and beg to not knock the door again. I don't want to be with it even just a minute. But it is here, close to me and sometimes I can feel it inside of me. The loneliness is me.

I was used to have friends around me, family were besides me. I relied on them so much. When I found they were not around anymore or lived near here, I was so sad. I felt like I was the only one with acute loneliness in desert.

But now I am used with this loneliness.This scary thing tells me that I am mature enough to be independent. I learn how to grow and figure out more about who I am. And I have to rely on my self.

But still, I can't reconcile with this loneliness. It haunts me. It scares me. I know it's an intern conflict between me and my own feeling. I fight with my self and the loneliness will always win. I try hard to take the positive way of it. It does want to try to tell me more about this life but I refuse it because I am so scared. Anyone may teach me about life but please not this loneliness.

I like people, places, memory, cakes, books, music, movies but I don't like much everything about loneliness. I am just scared of it.

Ready or Not

2011-01-05T10:39:00.001+07:00

I feel like more excited with something I plan for this year. New year brings new spirit and fresh mind for me. It's really good feeling. I don't know how long I can keep this brand new day in me considering it doesn't need take a long time to get down and saturated from my very spirit soul.

I think new thing doesn't mean a bad change and forget about the past. We do need a chance to remind us that life is not always about the same thing and stuck there. It tells us that we should move on because this earth never stop to rotate. Even it moves to the same direction but it makes a different if you attentively notice it. If not I don't know what a life without any change. We should adapt to it and willing or not we should follow it even we have to run. Don't left behind because the view is not beautiful from that side.

Past is in the past. We would never be able to experience it even once more going back, never. It will just stand there, in our memory, in every words we wrote. Past time makes us be who we are right now. But we don't need to go back there or mourn for every pain in the past. Let it be a memory and use it as an energy to go on to our next journey.

One year is not long nor a short time. We will face many things ahead.We don't know what will be happening next. Be ready for bad and wondrous things you will have. To be honest I am worry about things I have planned. The future is a mystery and I am always anxious thinking of it. So, I would just enjoy every feeling I will have and every rocks I will pass.

2011

2011-01-03T09:53:00.000+07:00

So..well...um...Okay I know it's too late to say this but.....HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011 everyone!!!

I really want to shout it out loud to feel the very new start of new year and get spirit of our new better soul. .

I spent last weekend, new year eve, first day of January, 2011 at home, just really stayed at home. I got bad stomachache (maag) in the evening of 31 December 2010 and I felt better in the next day, next year 1 January, 2011. I was like Okay it was the end of 2010 with every pain, tear, and struggle I had and now it's time to move forward, to make a brand new start and be ready to confront everything ahead because I know there will be lots of hard things I have to face as I want to finish all credits for one of degree requirements this year. Hope everything will go smoothly, successfully and I can do my best.

For all of you guys, hope you can reach all of your goals, dreams and resolutions in this year. It might be hard but it's not impossible. Enjoy your first week of new year 2011 !! ^^

When It Rains

2010-12-23T17:55:00.000+07:00

I suppose to be at my boarding house sipping coffee while listening to Paramore's song "When it rains". But I am still sitting here, waiting for the drizzle to stop. It has been raining all along this day and it is horrible here, the streets get stuck, flood, dark cloud and a bit cold outside. Well I like rain but who likes terrible rain which make us stuck in a certain place and couldn't go home. No one I guess.

I don't complain to the rain nor the cloud which is still making dark circle up there. I am just sad. By the thing which I should be grateful for. Raining means blessing. A long long time ago, there was a place where the rain was never falling down. Animals and plants were died because of short water, the land was dry and fissure, the wells and rivers were empty. The people lived in suffering. They only wished for the rain. They gave tribute, did a rain dance, did praying just only for the rain. But what I do right now when that blessing is falling in our land without the dance and the tribute? COMPLAINING. Don't I think that I should thank to Allah for the blessing? And what about the flood? Who make it? HUMAN.

So, Just wait patiently and play your favorite rain song! ^^

Stuck in Mind

2010-12-21T13:56:00.000+07:00

I really want to write something here but I don't know how to begin. I even don't know what to write.There are actually many ideas inside my head but it is difficult to express them into words. In the last they will just be unwritten and unsaid thought. I will just leave them in the corner till they are blown by the wind. Fly away.

Playing with words and sentences is such an interesting thing. But when it comes to stuck in mind, clueless and wordless, it will be just twisted mind and we really have no idea how to come out these ideas. That could make us be crazy, right!

Well.........so, in short, I don't have something to be told right now.

Blame My Self

2010-12-14T10:36:00.001+07:00

I tell everyone that I have no choice in my life. I can not freely do anything I like, be anywhere I want to be in, or say anything about what I feel. I am sort of living inside a box. Go to work which is really not my dream job. I always complain about how boring this work is. College is not as fun as it should be while I have to go to work in the morning and attending classes in the evening. I feel like what kind of life it is, I want it to be over. Then I can go back to my hometown, living my simple life but I will feel tranquil.

But I am wrong. I decided myself to work here, I chose keep staying here to support my study. I need money to pay my tuition fee, my boarding house and my daily need cost. I need this job however I don't like being here so much. I will survive. This is my choice, no one force me to do this so I have to deal with it and confront it.

Study and work are also my own decision. No one, even my family chose these for me. I organize my own life and I make my own rules. How free actually I am to do a thing considering no one behind all of this. I am the determiner of my own life. So why do I still whine about things that I have chosen for my own life. If there is someone I can blame,. it's my own self. I am so afraid of taking changes and I never be grateful of what I have. I have a freedom but I never give it a value. I have many changes to say anything but I never do that, because I am hesitate and I don't believe to my self. I never try to show them who I am. I hide my face.

I blame others for the things which are going wrong. That is not fair, right! I know now that it is me who should be changed, who should take any consequences for all things I have done. I have dreams and to make them come true I need sacrifice from my self. So, stop complaining but focus more. We will not be stuck in this same situation forever. However hard it is I should face it because I decided to do this.

There is no one in this world but you

2010-12-08T14:37:00.001+07:00

So, Mr. A, you decided to judge me before you knew me well. I am sorry to say this but isn't that so naive? You only see me from your point of view. You never try to learn more or understand me, my life and how I make a contact with others. It's like you think that you are the only person in this earth who is always right and devastatingly cool. Wao.....but I don't think so, Sir. You live in your own world, never care about other life. I don't remember all things about you is cool. And if I am not mistaken about what is the meaning of doing right, all thing you do is far from a 'right line'.

You were like a great, humble and kind person. But the way you judge me made me irritated and ruined all your good image. I hope I am wrong about you but I dare to say that what you said about me was also not right.You only listen to your self, you close your ears and your heart properly so how you're gonna respect others. Let me kindly tell you, Sir that what you say about others is genuinely reflecting who you really are.

But you should know this, everything that you say about me will not affect anything of me.

Something makes me giggling in the morning

2010-12-02T13:50:00.001+07:00

I am such a lazy girl. I cuddle up with my blanket instead of getting up and sniffing air in the morning. I set my alarm every night before I hit the bed of course but it is only another lullaby song to go back to sleep. It tells me, "Hey girl, the sun has been burning east there". "Aaah yeah......thanks", say I. *klik* I make it off.

But this morning was different. I got up earlier than other mornings. It was not because I made my alarm louder last night or there was an earthquake here. I just remembered something that I used to watch my favorite program every morning. Sponge Bob Squarepants. Yeah it is. The silly yellow square sponge made me get up earlier just wanted to laugh at his silly doings with his bestie the more silly pink sea star, Patric. And after that remembrance I decided to set my mind that morning is Sponge Bob time like I used to do, so I opened my eyes, went down of bed and got the remote control searching for GlobalTV channel. I was in front of TV with a bit sleepy eyes amused at those funny sea creatures. It sounds like I am a six years old child who like watching her favorite cartoon before she goes to school.

While I was watching it I thought I needed something to bring me back from sweet dream. Hot coffee. Actually I don't have a habit of drinking coffee, but I thought drinking it once in a while will not make me addicted, right. So, I sipped it while watching my favorite cartoon this morning. Coffee is nice, I like smell it then drink it. It makes me feel like I am a Cappuccino girl who drive Scooter every day.

A morning is a time to feel like we reborn to this world and think that today is gonna be a nice day. May be going back to sleep is such a sweet temptation in every morning but occasionally let the spirit of morning spread through your vein. Drink your favorite hot drink to make you feel tranquil and refresh your soul. Start your beautiful day with doing something you like in the early morning then it will make you feel that you are ready to face the world. Let's open our happiness every morning.

What do you like to do in the morning guys?

I Wish

2010-11-29T14:03:00.001+07:00

Assignment was the special B'day cake and Middle Term Examination was the great B'day party.

Yeah I celebrated my B'day by finishing some assignments and attending examinations. How hard life is even it was the day you should have had a party and had fun. But my day was not that bad, I got many B'day greetings and wishes from my family and friends (even one of my bestest friends forgets my B'day, but it couldn't change anything, I suppose). I think all thank words can't express my gratitude to them. But a really really HUGE thanks for you guys. You push me up to the best thing I can be.

Then I also got three more followers who are the surprised gift for me. Thaaaannnk you for following and visiting my ordinary blog which is full of blurts.

Wish. It is a thing we make when we feel reborn to this world and most of us wish for the better life and reaching our dreams. As a young dreamer who hopes to be able to escape from ordinary life, I have so many wishes. but I am afraid that you could be died reading my very long wish list so, I am gonna make it short. Here are my 10 wishes.

I wish:

1. I can be a better person, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend and a good blogger

2. I have laptop and DSLR camera

3. I can get my Bachelor Degree with the best GPA

4. I can study abroad

5. I can be an English teacher

6. I have my own English course for children

7. I can watch Paramore's live concert

8. I can spend one month holiday in Jogja and Bali

9. I have a big book self with so many books especially English classic novels

10. I have boyfriend

There are still many unrealistic and unreachable dreams inside my head. But I hope I can show the world that I can do it. You know dreaming also needs a bravery. If you are afraid to dream big you have a little bravery.

B'day reminds ourselves to the things we have reached out and things we have not, things we have done and things we still dream of. I envy other people who have reach success in his life while me? I am still dreaming that success. But I know I should stop complaining and I should be grateful for what I have right now because happiness doesn't always mean reaching the highest tower but it is a gratitude feeling for the life given and enjoy it fully.

Life is a journey where we could not go back to the past, we could not just stay here in age seventeen and we also could not jump to a few years ahead. Some people are afraid about being old. But when we grow older we become maturer and our mind is wider. We have to face every phase so we can feel and experience so many beautiful things in this life.

I am 22

2010-11-23T11:30:00.001+07:00

I wonder how my mother felt 22 years ago when she was delivering a baby. When she knew that her second child is a girl. Had she felt before that that day, November 23th, 1988, she would be a mother from a baby girl, ME? I don't know exactly but things that I know are she protected and took care of me when I was still in her belly. She got morning sickness. She tried hard to eat something to gave me enough food even she didn't have appetite and felt something trembling on her belly. She loves me unconditionally, wholeheartedly even this baby had made some troubles for her self for almost 9 months. All things in this world can't replace her love.

She looked after me, the little baby kindly and without any charge. She breast-fed me, changed my diaper, she woke in the middle of night just to calm me down from bad dreams. I am her life, her blood her vein. And she is all things I have.

Today is my Birthday. Even there is no birthday party, no birthday cake, no birthday candles, no birthday balloons, no birthday clown, no birthday hug but I am HAPPY. I am all HAPPY. I don't know how to put this happiness in words but I feel something gratifying inside here. Thanks Allah for giving me life until this time.

I am SO grateful and blissful for having the best family who loves me endlessly. I have been a troublesome for twenty two years but they are always here beside me, help me, teach me, protect me. Give me warmness and comfort. I am loved, I am cared. And I love them most.

I would like to say many many thanks to all of my friends who wish me happy birthday on my facebook's wall. I know they won't read this but all your wishes guys are really meant for me. It is a miracle for me.

Happy Happiest Birth Day to Me!!!
I will post my wish-list soon. I have so many wishes. ^_^

Promise Me

2010-11-18T14:07:00.001+07:00

It is like you are all white and black and sometimes gray. Bored, empty, plain, flat, out of style. Today is just like other days. You have no crayons to change the colors of your life. You are not brave enough to move out of box this time. You do not want to turn to another line. Everyday you pass and face the same and familiar path. Monotonous from top to toe, from left to right.

You always say that you will break it away. But you are still sitting here. You are still in this track, in the save and quite zone. You only see the world behind your square glasses. Is it enough for you?

But

Promise me

Don't stop painting your dress. Don't give up to break down the door. Live your own life and find your own style. Don't only see a thing but watch it. Don't only learn all things but learn all things about a thing. Don't only listen to something but understand it. Follow your Personal Legend, listen to your heart.

Promise me

You will always show your smile. Speak out what is in your mind. Don't hide your face because everyone can not see your prettiness. Put off your glasses so they can see your shining eyes. Let them know who you are.

Promise me

To flap your wings and fly.

Boys and Girls

2010-11-10T12:05:00.000+07:00

Boys don't say what they mean. They like being mysterious, unpredictable and addictive. They drive girls insane. They make girls pull all their hair out and end in deadly curiosity. They drift them in and out. They like playing a game.

Girls are such pretty liar. They say they are O.K even every night they cry like a mad. They say they want to be quit, they are tired but that is another lie. They break down every time the prince of pain and hurt come around.

I don't understand boys, neither girls.

Weekend Meet Up

2010-11-08T13:48:00.001+07:00

Yaaayyyyy......!! I spent my last weekend with my pretty best friends. I am SO happy. :D

On Saturday, I met Kakak Ipar (Sister in law). Actually she is not my true sister in law but I like to call her so because she ever said that her dreamboat is a dandy man with glasses and my brother fulfill those criteria, since then I call her Kakak Ipar :p. To be honest I would be happy if she could be really my sister in law (Hello my brother) but Yeah fate has its own way.

She also treated me for lunch. We talked, laughed and ate. We had not met for more than a year because she is working in Jakarta, so I was so excited meeting this great and pretty Sister in law.

Then, on Sunday, I met another cute girl. Astrid.

She is a friend from previous boarding house. She has been graduated last October as Bachelor of English Education (I envy her) and this end of month she is going to go back to her hometown, Madiun. We will rarely meet. Hiks........

I love just hanging out with friends. There always be a story to tell, a silly thing to laugh, a little thing to smile and a big love to share. :)

You were there and I was just sitting here

2010-11-01T10:02:00.002+07:00

I never thought before that we can be friends. We met in two classes last semester but we never talked, never said hello when we passed each other in the aisle. You never tried to look up at me and I never cared about you, there was boundary between us. We are different, we ignored each other.

But in a few recent evenings, we were sitting there. We laughed and told each other about ourselves, our family and how hard college is. I wonder how easy it was telling it to you as we knew that we never seemed like seeing eye to eye. You made me comfortable and close to you.

We have same avocation that is reading. But the different is you like motivation books while I like classic novels. I call it a differently similarity. Nevertheless I love all the books you lent me. I envy you for having those books and I can't stop adoring the books and of course YOU. Because I know now that you are an amazing and interesting guy. And we knew that those books gave us link to friendship.

I can say that you're also a kind, calm, friendly and humble guy. You made me laugh, smile and wondering. Sometimes I felt like you were trying to figure me out when I was talking. I could see you looking at my eyes and reading my expression.

But you often left me without saying good bye. I felt like there was still something unfinished. And that brought us to the other meetings and warm conversation.

Mommy, Your Little Princess Gets Sick

2010-10-25T11:01:00.001+07:00

I get more time in boarding house but I just spend it for sleeping. Getting ill is terrible and it feels worse when your mother is not here to look after you. Since I decided to live far from home four years ago, I had known that I have to be independent and take care of my own self. But still when I get sick I need my mother's warm hands and healing touch. I know that would not kill the pain but I will feel safe, tranquil and cared. Sounds like I am a mommy's girl, right! but she is all I need at this time and all the time.

I am going to see doctor this afternoon. Ah actually I don't like to take medicine or see doctor when I get ill (stubborn girl!). Medicine doesn't taste nice and doctor is the cold person I ever met. But cuddle with a blanket all day is also not graceful.

My Time Machine

2010-10-19T09:02:00.000+07:00

Everything that I write, tell, say or think is a memory that I never want to lose.

I tell my mosaics of life in many places. I tell them to my family, to my closest friends, to my dear Diary, to this Blog, to my Note on facebook. Even more so many stories that I left to the wind and cloud of the evening. They are scattered, messy, and it's difficult for me to collect then put them inside one memory box. But they all are my reminder when I forget, when I am falling down and need something or someone to help me stand up two times harder, when I am longing, when I lose direction and don't know the way home. They are my light illuminator, when weariness is coming by, when everything is saturated and felt narrow, sharing to them makes this burden a thousand times lighter than before. Then it's easier for me to pull my tips of lip to smile.

They don't change the difficult things but make them easier, they don't change a dark path become a very bright one but they give a speck of light in every corners of the path so that they don't only lighten it but also make it so beautiful, they don't change a stone become a diamond but make it become a very strong foundation.

Reinforcement and encouragement are not only from beautiful and sweet memories but also those can come from bad experiences, from difficult conditions that we ever had and faced. We will know and realize how strong and great we are could pass all that nuisances.

Memory is like a time machine, it takes us back to the past. May be I don't remember days, dates, months or years but I won't forget the moment. I will miss everyone who I love and are not here beside me again. I will always remember every moment with them even though one day there are many things will have changed but their warmness will never be lost. That smile will never change and fade away.

“Always remember to slow down in life; live, breathe, and learn; take a look around you whenever you have time and never forget everything and every person that has the least place within your heart.”

I Will be on My Way

2010-10-11T11:12:00.002+07:00

I don't know what things are cramming on my head right now. But I think that I think too much. I try to find out the answer of the questions in my head. I ask to my self why it could be like this instead of figuring out what it is. Every simple thing seems like complicated, perplexing and miserable. I just can't to not care about why something happened in me or what someone thinks about me or how someone sees me. I am a thinker. A thinker who never finds the solution of what she is thinking of. She doesn't understand it at all.

I am anxious. I am anxious for everything. How if something bad happened to me, how if I can't do this well, how if they don't like me, how if they think that I am a bad person, how if this and how if that. My own thought makes me fear of something that uncertainly happened. Something that may or may not happened. I think of anything bad that might be. It makes me worry and afraid unreasonable. I want to shout it down but I just can't. I am under control. And I just can't ignore what people say about me. I want to close my ears properly and walk away.

It is scary me a lot. At this time I am trying to convince to my self that everything is gonna be O.K. Whatever will be, will be. Bad things is inevitable if it indeed should be happened to you. There is nothing you should be worry, just do everything you think right. Do what you can do as well. If there are people who don't like you or what you have struggled for, it's their problem not yours. Think of that, young thinker! And everything will be just fine.

So Far Away

2010-10-05T15:02:00.001+07:00

I don't know how far we are, may be a thousand miles away but when I am talking to you I feel like we are close. So close and I can feel you are here, beside me.

I always sense your presence.

You are a part of my reality.

Terrifying Threat

2010-09-28T15:05:00.000+07:00

Human is a threat for their own self. They want, think, do, feel more than anything could give. They go through limits because they believe that they could reach the highest tower beyond their ability. They are proud to their self, perfect creature could make perfect thing. Who do they think they are?

They seems like don't want to hear others because the only thing they hear and see is their self. They are babbling all times for one thing, their own. They want to be a winner, in the top. They are selfish, they will do whatever it takes for their own self without care anything or anyone. They make a friend with ignorance. They don't realize that what they do, what they don't care is threatening their own life.

Do that people care about our beloved mother earth? what will be happen in the future?

See what will they have done!!!

The most terrifying "GLOBAL WARMING" threat

One of the symbols of Global Warming is: polar bear that was lost from its habitat. It is horrible because polar bear warn us that climate change is happening

The fishes are also dead due to Global Warming

Hurricane. We know that Hurricane occurs because of the climate change, especially in the Atlantic. It's a terror from Global Warming that can destroy our home.

Dust Storm is often occurred in South Africa

Glacier in Patagonia, Argentina 1928. Glacier in Patagonia 2004. 76 years from climate change. And now.....it's terrifying.

Here's a huge waterfall spouting from the ice edge of Brasvell Glacier. No, glaciers in the Arctic aren't supposed to do that. Glacial waterfalls like this one have been erupting with alarming frequency in Arctic regions. After all, when centuries-old chunks of ice start melting in the Arctic, it's hard to deny we've got ourselves one hell of a problem.

http://www.treehugger.com/galleries/2009/03/7-terrifying-global-warming-pictures.php?page=1

So, have we done a thing to head it off? or we are too busy with our own business and don't care about our own viability?

Self Observation

2010-09-27T12:11:00.000+07:00

I spent my last weekend just staying at boarding house, killed time by reading novel, watching Television and eat more. I always feel lazy to go out in the weekend because I have spent almost all my time going out to work and college. Weekend, for me is time to enjoy laziness.:p

I was alone, all of my boardinghouse friends went home. I felt solitary but I am used to feel this kind of feeling so it was not a matter for me even yes of course it might be very nice doing some activities with some companies in the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to tell any complains here because I know well that it will be no use, right!

I was thinking that may be there are people who feel all alone in this world and it seems like no one wants to be with them. They blame their self for it and they think that they are the most loneliness people ever. On the contrary, may be there are also people who indeed want to live alone, alienated, far from crowded and want no one besides them. It just depends on their character and choices. Actually I am a kind of person who can't live alone, I always need assistant from other peoples and it will be good for me having a friend to talk to. I like to express my feeling to my best friend and tell my secret away. But sometimes I am an introvert who is very sensitive if we talk about privacy. I don't like people control my life or regulated me but occasionally I need some rules to control me and tell me what to do. I want to be a free woman who controlled well.

I am alone right now, I mean I am a single fighter who try hard to be independent and not rely on other people much. I do, manage, think and plan all of things by my self, without any purpose to be individualist or selfish. The good side is, self reliance, independent, though and full respect to others. But the bad one is distrustful to others, like to be alone, tend to be introvert and it's only my opinion from self observation but I do feel that my communication skill is decrease. I hope I am wrong but I don't know I like to observe my self and relate it with what I am right now.

Am I too serious today?

I read many blogs and think that they are great bloggers and very good writers. They motivates me and I learn many things from them. I thank them so much even perhaps they don't know that what they write give a big positive impact to others.

Have a nice and fabulous Monday everyone!!!! :)

Read My Mind

2010-09-25T11:46:00.001+07:00

I was afraid when you said that you could read my mind. It's impossible, we never meet personally and you don't understand me at all. How could you? Did you really know what I am thinking of you? Did you really know what I feel toward you? did you want to say that you know me better than my self? That was ridiculous yet made me anxious and nervous successfully.

Yes, I feel something that no one knows. The feeling that I write down my diary. A strange feeling that I don't want to feel it because it makes me have illogical thought and be a foolish. I don't want to let you know, I don't want you know what I feel, what I am thinking of you. Well read my mind because I couldn't say it to you.

People Come, People Go

2010-09-21T11:49:00.003+07:00

Why people come and go, there's no one who wants to stay. They’ll drift in and out of your life. They come into your life like it has been fated and everything just flows away so easily. They try to figure you out, say they will never let you feel solitary because they acclaim they are your friends. You feel you are loved, cared and grateful for what you have right now but someday you will understand well that in this world there are things like meeting and parting. They who said that they will always be here for you will walk away then unconsciously they have been far away to the distance you're never be able to reach out. They are leaving you.

You do nothing but remembering things you ever went through together. You regret that you didn't say sorry when you were quarreling with them. You want to repeat that moments because you miss them so bad. You try to remember how you met at first and started to talk. You feel time flies so fast. You miss their smile and the way they made you laugh.

You know that you have to head your life by your self. You try to stand with your own feet because you believe everybody, they do so. You will meet somebody else but they may do the same, go leaving you. You're okay even it's hard to say goodbye. You are remembering again. Now you know life is like you walk in one straight line, occasionally you will get a tangent but you will return to the straight line.

People come and go but their memories will stay inside your mind and heart forever.

Hey Hi

2010-09-20T14:52:00.001+07:00

I am baaaaaaaaack!!

I am very sorry for letting my bloggy keep silence for one week. I celebrated Eid ul Fitr day at home with my family, visited some relatives and ate a lot. :) I didn't go to many places or visit my schoolmates because I don't know I just wanted to stay at home enjoying the tranquility without worrying about anything. I felt so secure at home. It's the most comfortable and safest place ever where I could lazy and sleep more. Even so I couldn't write a word on my bloggy because my computer (well ok, my brother's computer precisely) at home is not connected with internet. Yeah I know I could go to net cafes to post it but as I told you I felt lazy to go out.

One week was enough time to stop a moment from routine activity and recharge my body to fight to continue the next chapter in my life. Now it's time to return to the real life, work and college. It's new semester and this evening will be the first class for today. I am excited yet anxious. Anxious about I will get a lot of assignments again, attending some classes in the evening while everybody sit in front of Television with their pants and enjoying some cookies. I did that and now it's time to confront this world without any complaining. Focus more, don't let your devil side controlling you!

I have a roommate now. She's a freshman at my college. I am glad and relief right now because the room fee is cheaper and may be I don't need to clean my room (now it's not my room but our room) by my self. This what I want actually, having a friend in room who I can talk to in the morning but I don't know I feel like I don't have a privacy anymore. She will knows everything about me, she will complain about this and that and may be she will be a gosh haunting me. oh NO......what a silly though is that. I hope we can be friend, help each other and cooperate. Anybody know how is my room right now? I left it to someone who I just knew last night.

Sister is..........

2010-09-03T11:17:00.004+07:00

I wished I had a sister who I could share anything, tell everything to her. We could do shopping together , sleepover and cook our favorite foods. It might be also pleasing borrow dress or pants from your sister and cry on her shoulder when you are broken heart. I had many close girl friends but it is not like if you had a sister. I envied my friends who had a sister and they were very close. Having a sister is like having another side of you who she will always be there for you whatever you do.

But now I do not only have one sister but three. We were roommate, we are close and we liked spend time together. Even we are far now, far apart and we live a different life but I still consider them as my best friends and sisters and I think they do. We still keep contacting and always being here for each other. To be honest I am sad I can't meet them again but I also can't force them to stay. We have to walk on our own way. But we believe we will meet again someday. Who knows, fate will meet us up.

For me they are not only best friends and sisters but also they are defenders, listeners, conspirators, counselors and a sharer of delights and sorrows too. They are my motivation and inspiration. They were fragile if we talked about love but I saw them as a strong women who have big hearts and can survive even in the miserable condition. I learn more from them, their devotion and sincerity. I wondered how they could do that.

They were like blanket for me when I was chilled. They always were there for me and said leave the loneliness alone. I am so grateful having three great sisters like them. We were like family who shared everything and our room was the most comfortable room even it was the most mess up room than others but it was warm. They made it be perfect. Nonetheless we some time argued. May be we were too selfish and egoistic or when one of us was in bad mood, she would be so sensitive and a little simple thing would be worse. We met, talked everyday, every morning, every time, dispute, argument, or misunderstanding was inevitable. But that made us closer and got to know each other.

It's the photo of my graduation

(I wore Kebaya)

A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life. ~Isadora James~

When I am Falling in Love

2010-08-28T12:21:00.002+07:00

I don't know what true love means to me and I don't know how love works on me.

Yet I ever fall in love.

When I am falling in love, I feel like I am the most stupid and craziest woman ever. But I don't need a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, many kind of therapies or some enlightenment. I just need someone to talk to, to listen to me babbling about love and how miserable loving a guy is. I like daydreaming and think how can I fall in love with him and why can't I stop thinking about him. But I never find the answer. Occasionally I will try to write it down, try to figure out this love feeling and try to search what kind of thing that makes me love this guy. I know love is not to be understood but I really think of it hardly whenever I feel something different in me. It's difficult for me to control. This love is authorizing me a lot. I can't chase him away from my head. He's my ghost living inside of me.

When I am falling in love I could be a poetic, over dramatic and sensitive. I can easily express my feeling in to words. Unconsciously I fill my diary with countless little words and all about him. I can cry easily, am fragile, vulnerable and messy. I am really a wretched woman. My communication, listening and speaking skill are decreasing.

Music is really save my soul when my life groove become different due to love. And of course all of the playlists are love songs. I will listen to them many many times till it seems like wherever I go, whatever I do I can hear a love song serenade me. I can't stop smiling when I am remembering him and imagining we are together holding hand each other. Everything is beautiful and so sweet. Even it's not always as sweet as candy but I will feel that the rainbow is above me, the flowers are around me and love angel is beside me. I can't stop blushing. And everything seems perfect and wondrous. It really blows me up. It makes us completely alive.

I love love feeling yet hate this.

No Direction, No Destination

2010-08-25T14:10:00.001+07:00

I am here for one thing, for one that I dream almost everyday, for one that I imagine my self to be in, for one that I will keep fighting for. It is the most thing I want in my entire life. It is obsession of a young dreamer. I want it for a long time, the more I think about it the more I want it. I believe to my own self that someday I can make it but there is a voice inside my head says that you are only dreaming girl. Someday seems like no day. Dream seems like impossible.

May be I want something too much, too obsessive and when I have given it a try then I don't find a way to go there, I will fall deep down and spiritless. I am easily impassioned yet fragile and have no passion. Then I don't know what to do like losing grip and life is plain and flat. I am missing color like a black and white rainbow in a cloud of gray.

Now the opportunity is in front of me, just one step to go abroad. To go a place I wish I can be in. But so sadly and regretfully I can't take it, I can't be an individualist person ever live in this world who doesn't care with others. I know I want it like the birds want sky for them flying. But if I take it will I be happy leaving them with burden?

I am envy with Dandelion. Its seeds can fly far away they want. Spreading out to find their own way without any burden. They can go to some places they are never been before. They are not afraid nor anxious. There is no one or nothing regulated and restricted them They are free. Fly...fly....and fly....no need direction, no need destination.

I Like Everything Good

2010-08-24T14:03:00.002+07:00

I have just finished reading a classic novel by Thomas Hardy "Far From the Madding Crowd". I needed a longer time to finish it, ah ya I am a lazy but one of the main reasons is the Anglo-Saxon yup the old English that was used. You know reading this novel seems like I was blind in English. Many foreign and unidentified words on it and they are perplexing for me. It was really a mission and needed a strong willing, but yeah I made it. Finally!

Because of my difficulty to figure the story out, many scenes and jokes were missed. There should be some funny things but I didn't found my self giggling when I was reading it. Hahaha.....I laugh at my self then. But basically the story is good enough. It is about a young pretty lady, named Bathseba Everdene who was inherited farm by her died uncle. Besides beauty she also had wealth that some men wanted to marry her but she fell in love with a rude man who left her a few months after they got married. Bathseba was such a wretched pretty woman after that. In the end of the story, Bathseba got married with a shepherd who also worked for her and he also ever proposed her and got refusal. He is Gabriel Oak, a man who had fell in love for a long time with Bathseba. Because of his true love, finally Oak could win Bathseba's heart. I am a bad story teller, you can read by your self the summary HERE.

I am so sorry to say but I don't like the ending. It's too simple and Bathseba failed to convince me that she really loves Oak. And poor Oak, he had to wait for many years to be with Bathseba. But he's such a loyal, sensible and kind man. May be the story is not my favorite but I enjoy reading it, I like my confusion in comprehending the story and I like taking some good quotes, they are my inspiration.

Here is Bathseba's word that I like:

"Loving is misery for women always. I shall never forgive God for making me a woman and dearly am I beginning to pay for the honour of owning a pretty face".

Now I have been finishing a classic novel by Charlotte Bronte, "Villete". I like reading novel; classic, modern, love, adventure, Indonesian, English. I don't take a site on one genre. I like everything good because I appreciate beautiful words and good story. :). Just give me one novel and say, "It's wonderful novel from a famous writer". Then I will say, "I don't like it, I love it". :p

Ugly Duckling Who Liked Playing Outside

2010-08-18T15:09:00.001+07:00

Childhood is the most happiest time. When we were child, all we knew is only playing with friends, eating candies, experiencing something new excitedly, going here and there without complaining of tired and dreaming. We never though about how hard life will be, how we get money, how hurtful broken heart can be sometimes and how completed the problems that we will face when we grow old. They knew nothing but fun.

When I was a kid I spent most of my time playing outside. Instead of studying, I was playing around with my friends. I had many friends who most of them were girls, ~~that's why I am so girlie now~~. I usually played Indonesian traditional game such as 'kasti' (it's like softball), 'bak sodor', 'congkak', jump rope, marble, 'gatheng', 'delikan' (Hide and seek), card game and we played dolls too. But we made the dolls by ourselves, it was made from the stem of banana leaf as the body and for its hair we ripped the young banana leaf. We were village kids who never knew about play station, Barbie, Monopoly game, or other modern games. The traditional games were so fun. We always found ourselves laughing when we were playing those games instead. Some games need two players and some in group, so those games gave us learning about team work, cohesiveness, fair and made us getting closer.

I was an ugly duckling when I was a kid. I was black dumpy girl, have flat nose and curly hair. I don't remember there was a friend taunted me but I often complained to my mother why I was this ugly. ~~Ungrateful girl.~~ Nonetheless there was boy who liked me I think. I knew it :D. A puppy love. But I ignored him you know I was only 7. He didn't know what love is anyway. And me too. LOL

I didn't realize that love will hurt my heart someday and there is another relationship between boys and girls beside friendship. That this relationship is not as sweet as candy, not always as fun as traditional games and sometimes it's not as easy as making a doll from banana stem.

I have a wonderful childhood that I always miss it. I was naughty kid I think. My mother was always mad to me because I never listened to what she was saying and playing outside all time. She was fussy about everything. I know she did it for the good of my self. If there is any the best word beside thanks I'll say it many many times. :)

No More

2010-08-16T13:07:00.000+07:00

I don't like listening to love or sad songs recently. I just don't wanna be a wretched woman who is so miserable and messy. No complaining, No crying anymore, No regretting. It's time to move on. I always keep quite and be passive. Don't wanna go anywhere, don't wanna do anything. And frankly I say, I hate it. I really do. To be honest it's not a job which I wish for. It's only a stepping stone and a source to support my study right now (I am so sorry to say this).

I need many many noisy songs which can impassion and toughen me. I don't have someone who always cheers me up. Instead of leaning on someone else I lean on my self. My self is the best motivator besides books and music. Realize it or not I might have a power inside my heart, a hidden power to survive in a very bad condition. Sometimes I wonder how can I hold it out. I am so crumbly and vulnerable I always anxious how if I fell into a black hole and I couldn't turn my self back. But so far I am so grateful having this power. Sometimes I feel that it's not easy being a single 22 woman. But I believe that Allah will always protect us and keep us from any bad things.

I know I am lonely and sometimes am bored. But it's not the reason to not see the sun, to not feel the wind blows your face away. I always sit here facing this screen, work with it, even I make a friend on it. I can be online every time, just updating status, commenting other statuses, liking them and sometimes chatting. It's fun, it's an escape. I don't have to go out or go far to communicate with my new or old friends. But now I don't know I just feel that it's in vain. It wastes my time a lot and I am worry if I be a facebookitis (A disease in which facebook takes over your life). I limit logging it in from now.

I will use my time to settle some works, listening to music, reading a book and studying. No more facebooking. I do nothing on it anyway. Blogging and bloggwalking are such good idea. We'll see how long I can keep my self from facebook.

Happy Fasting

2010-08-12T11:36:00.000+07:00

Happy Fasting!!!

All Muslims are very excited to welcome this special and holy month and my self is no exception. We have to refrain from any temptations such as eating and drinking from dawn until sunset. Fasting learns us about being patience. When we are fasting we must control our emotions and get closer to Allah. It is one of our bridges to smell heaven's scent.

I found a wonderful poem by Rumi about the blessing of fasting. Here it is:

There's hidden sweetness in the stomach's emptiness.

We are lutes, no more, no less.

If the soundboxes stuffed full of anything, no music.
If the brain and belly are burning clean with fasting,
every moment a new song comes out of the fire.
The fog clears, and new energy makes you run
up the steps in front of you.
Be emptier and cry like reed instruments cry.

Emptier, write secrets with the reed pen.
When you're full of food and drink,
Satan sits where your spirit should,
an ugly metal statue in place of the Kaaba.
When you fast, good habits gather
like friends who want to help.
Fasting is Solomon's ring.

~ rumi ~
(30 Sept 1207 – 17 Dec 1273)

It Was A Secret

2010-07-28T14:54:00.000+07:00

What did I do? I said something silly. Something stupid.
Why can't I keep my own secret just for me? It's easy to tell a friend my secret away. Oh...I should not tell this kind of thing. What a stupid of me!

regret it.....regret it.....
feel ashamed.

I think everyone has a secret. This could be a ridiculous or criminal thing. Whatever it is, we should keep it just for our own self or they will never stop laughing at us or even more they will see us as a bad person. Sometimes as a human we ever do a very stupid thing or may be something wrong. We should not be reckless by telling one or two friends about this because I didn't mean to not trust our friend but it's something personal who it should be only you who knows it. Yeah it depends on the person. Sometimes there are kind of people who like to tell their disgrace thing to everyone (Such as celebrity today) but for me it's suicide.

well....oke.....what I told my friend is not a disgrace or wrong thing. But I just wanted it to be a secret which is now it's not a secret any more. I mean I had promised to my own self that I would not tell this to anybody but easily I did. I am the most inconsistent person ever.

For my friend who I told my secret, pleeeaasee.....forget it and consider it as I never told you okay. hahaha it was a joke you know ehm.....I mean I was not serious about it. okay. good.

A missing piece

2010-07-20T10:50:00.004+07:00

My life is like a messy puzzle now. Every pieces has a connection and it can't be replaced. But when I realize that my pieces of puzzle are not in the right place I know that my life is getting a mess and something missing.

I thought I was a steadfast, invincible and independent girl. But I am really not!
It was easy for me to say "I am Okay and I can manage it well!" but now it seems like hard for me to act like I am fine when everything is going to be wrong. My desire is in the wrong place and it is like I am walking in the darkness and I find myself all alone. It is impossible for me to take another line or turn back because there is nothing in that road but me and emptiness.

I can't deny it, I cant avoid it nor I confront it. May be I am a coward who can just run, hide and I have no gut to face it. I is only me. I am like a dried leaf which will be destroy by only one squeeze. I am so crumbly and vulnerable at this time.

I am here for nothing but my dream. I promised to my self that I would keep fighting for it how hard my way that I will face. I was so sure that I could make it even I knew it was not easy. I believed to my self. But now where is that spirit gone away? Was it blown away by wind?

There is something missing in my life. My passion.
Sometimes I want to stop. I don't want to struggle anymore, I don't want to reach this or that. I just want to live freely and do what I want to do. Just let it flow. I don't want to be the best woman who has anything. I want to be a woman who always be grateful with a little thing she has.

Quote of the Day

2010-07-16T14:11:00.001+07:00

"I believe in Pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles"

_Audrey Hepburn_

It is Ridiculous

2010-07-15T08:40:00.004+07:00

My last post is silly post I ever write. I read it again and think that may be I responded a thing too much, exaggerated. It's like a puppy love, a young love. I fell in love with someone then I was broken heart, cursing the wind and said that I will forget him and I will never love him again. How childish is it, right? May be it's true I am not mature enough in this age. It's called labile teenegers (re: ABG labil in Bahasa).

I always find difficulty in managing my feeling. If I am happy I will soooooo very happy, in opposite when I am sad or broken heart I will be mad to anybody, cry over night and look soooooo sad. I can't hide it, No I can't. But one thing that I am proudly said is by the time runs I can forget the sadness away and start a new day, it's like it's never happened in me. And I will feel so relief that I can pass it.

Last night I was awfully crying. I went to Supermarket and buy a bitter dark chocolate and ice cream and ate it like crazy. Yes I did it, like a broken heart girls. I was so messy and felt so miserable. I am not feel better today but I convince my self that everything is gonna be Okay. The only thing I need is time. Everything needs process and so does broken heart. Like what I said before, I am good enough in forgetting the past, I mean the bad past.

For him : May be you forget me, ignore me like we don't even know each other. But I confess it that you're the guy who I will miss.

See how fool I am. LOL

Are you real?

2010-07-14T11:52:00.005+07:00

Are you real?

or is it me who is not realistic anymore?

Love is illogical. Love is sometimes crazy and fool. Yes I am a fool and yes you drive me insane. I admit it that I can't stop thinking of you. I can't chase you away from my head, from my mind, from my heart. All you said seemed wonderful, All you promised me seemed real, but what is this?

You go away......

You avoid me.....

And you were there, I know....but You....ignore me.....

We were far away, we were different, we chatted, we made a friend. It's easy and comfortable talk with you and you also said so. I could tell you everything without feeling ashamed, awkward, or make a bloomer. I was enjoy share to you anything. But now everything seems impossible. I only wish for the impossible and unreal. I though you were the one who can cheer me up when I am sad and toughen me when I am down. and I though I had found you. But....I only dream. I am a young dreamer.

Oh God, did I say that I love you?

May be and I did. But now.....it's ridiculous loving someone who never care about you, who never think of you, who never love you!

Then why I should be sad and disappointed. Should I cry all day and beg you to come back? Should I send you many messages telling you that I am hurt? NO! Everything is clear now, you're my past, YOU'RE NOT REAL FOR ME. There's nothing I can expect from you. It's over!

May be it just needs 2 or 3 months to forget you, to let you go!

Thanks for the great moment, thanks for the comfortable chatting, and a HUGE THANKS for the pain. It's a perfect pain, you know. No, you don't know and you will never understand.

A Lovely Message

As you grow up, you will learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back. Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Complaining

2010-07-07T14:50:00.003+07:00

Have you ever really wanted to tell something but you do not know how to start it?

I have and often!

Many things I want to tell you but I always fail to decide what words that I should write first.

Should I begin with the overstress of work? about the exhausting of lecture or about the terrible situation that I face recently? Sound like hard! yes, it is. And I really really need someone to lean on. Because it's not that easy as I though before. I just want to whine about this and that. I just want him/her listen to me scolding about this messy life. That will make me so relief.

I can't keep it just for my self, I want to reveal this complain, anger, sadness, regret, disappointment, and everything to someone. But who want to listen this such things? No one I suppose. If there is someone who want to wreck his/her life by listening me complaining and whining along day, it must have been something wrong with him/her.

I cant write it down. I really can't. I don't want this blog will be full of complaining and whining. Because if I do it I swear I'll change my blog's name.

Well O.K. I will not say about this despair any more. Let me fix my self, my live, my feeling and my though. Then I'll write something cheerful, something about experience, something of me and.....a little bit complain :D (Pleeeaaase....That will make me relief)

British or American Accent?

2010-06-24T08:43:00.004+07:00

When I was in school, my favorite teacher was my English teachers. It was not because of my interest in English but they really gave me motivation and inspiration. whoever the teacher I would be exited when it came English subject. It seemed like I didn't want to attend any other subjects but English. Anyway I was not good in Math, Science or Social subject.

Now I am a college student of English Department which all of the lecturers are English lecturers except for general credits. But I am sorry Sir, Mam, I just like two or three of you.

They are good, they are great but may be I just don't like the way they teach us or we have different interpretation.

The lecturer who I like most is Ms. Octa. She is my Speaking lecturer. She is good, smart, beautiful and I like her English accent. It is British Accent. We always enjoy her class and she gives us opportunity to improve our speaking skill.

One day I said to her that I like her English British accent. Then I asked her, have you ever visited or lived in London or Australia? She said, "No, I never go there but I hope." (Still using English British accent). So where she got that beautiful accent. Then she said to me, "I also like your English accent, it's American accent."
"Do you think so? but I like British accent." I said.

What? she said my English accent is American accent. I never realize that. But I always try to use English British accent. That's why I like listening her when she is speaking.

I always say that I like British accent but in fact my English accent is American accent. yeah I know it's not a big deal or it's not thing that should be discussed when we are learning English. But I just feel that I have betrayed my self. I say I like it, I am so obsessed with it, I prefer it than that but it turns out, it isn't proved. Well I like English, I don't care with the accent. Yup! I'll feel better.

In the Blackness

2010-06-16T08:51:00.005+07:00

Last night was horrible night! yeah o.k. it was not that horrible but I was so scary anyway. In the middle of night when I was still awake, the lights went out. I was anxious and I could not sleep. I don't have candle, so I just was cuddling up on bed, closed my eyes and tried to sleep in the blackness. But it didn't work. My though was wandering off.

That was quiet night and I could not see anything but darkness. I didn't know what should I do but the thing was I should sleep. Then I took my mobile phone and turned on the radio. May be I could forget this scary feeling by listening to music. I had been listening it for 45 minutes but still I could not make myself fall asleep.

It was getting late. Then I tried to relax......tried to not think of a thing and convinced my self that everything was fine. It was only darkness, it would make you sleep more tightly. Then finally, I though I fell asleep. 'cause I found my self waking up this morning.

Now I feel a little bit sleepy. unluckily there are no courses this evening till tomorrow. I can hit the sack earlier. But no blackness again please!

Unpredictable Weather

2010-06-12T08:20:00.002+07:00

This morning I arrived office at 07:40 a.m. yeah I came 20 minutes earlier. I though I was dreaming.

I left dorm earlier because I was gonna come by to one of mini markets to buy bread for breakfast but I didn't presume that I would arrive this early.

But I am grateful for arriving earlier because it's drizzling outside. When I was on the way the sun was shining brightly and it was hot. It's really unpredictable weather.

Tomorrow I'll visit my friends at my previous dorm. I miss them so much. Even sometimes they are annoying and noisy but I like them.

Weekend Note

2010-06-07T14:56:00.002+07:00

Yesterday was fun weekend!

Meeting some old friends from Senior High School, accompanying one of my friends buying a bunch of roses at flower market for her B'day friend and visiting Rapendik radio to give information to all of its listeners about EJU (Examination for Japanese University) and Yosakoi (Japanese traditional dance) in JK corner program.

Everything was fun, interesting and I can experience something new. Love love it!

But the most important thing was I still could take a nap. You know working forces me to keep awake every afternoon. So, on weekend I must spare a time to take a nap. And sometimes I get up late on Sunday morning. Just like a lazier! or call me whatever you like but it's so enjoyable. hehehe

Weekend....weekend....weekend....
Sometimes I feel bored if it's a weekend time. Because I do nothing and nothing I can do. Yeah just staying at dorm, watching TV, reading a book, sleeping, can you imagine how bored am I? but it's also a time that I miss so much. I feel the weekend runs quickly. Hey where does the weekend go away? Thing that I can do, just enjoy your weekend whatever bored it is. You'll miss it anyway and wishing it comes sooner.

Congratulation.....!

2010-05-27T11:18:00.002+07:00

Yesterday my Boss who is also a Head of Foreign Language Department, Surabaya State University had inaugurated become one of University Great Teachers (Guru Besar)for Japanese of Surabaya State University (UNESA). He invited all of his families, close friends, colleagues and staffs to attend the event and celebration. Congratulation for my Boss! for us you are not only a great teacher but you also are a great person.

There was an embarrassing thing when the three professors who were inaugurated in the inauguration event were crying in the last minute of speech. It turns out, it's a common thing a professor cries when he/she is promoted to be a Great Teacher. Of course they do. They didn't get this honorable title in a short time and easy way. They have faced many difficult things and they are never tired to keep struggle for advancement in education. Many contributions that they have given for the university, society and our country. They are also a loyal lecturer, to become a great teacher, a professor has to have teaching experience in a university for more than 20 years. They really serve their life for education and the university. How cool they are! I just can say Waoo....!!

After the inauguration, there was a celebration it was like a party. Heemmmmm.....I think this is it the very waited event because there would be many delicious serving. Is there anyone who doesn't like free delicacy?
But I am so sorry I can't show you by pictures how shindig the celebration was but trust me it was so noisy, it was fulled by the voice of laugh, music, song, people chatting, plate, glass, spoon, everything. But I didn't hear anyone complain about it.

Surabaya State University is university where I pursued my Triple Degree of Business English and I had graduated last year. Even I used to come and out in/from the building but yesterday I felt different. May be it was because I just felt that now I am not one of the members of UNESA big family. I came as an invitation not as a student or graduated student. yeah it's not the same.

Today in Words

2010-05-21T08:35:00.003+07:00

Reading many other blogs gives me motivation, but still I don't have any idea to write something on my bloggy. I don't know sometimes it's very difficult for me to create something new, as you know I am not creative person. When I have something to write, then, it just flows away and I never make a plan before about what I wanna tell. Therefore most of my posts are about what I feel today, what I am/was doing and everything about me and myself. I know my bloggy is like my personal Diary, but I just wanna share a little thing to you.

Actually there are so many things I wanna share but again and again I don't know how to depict or express it in words. But there's nothing wrong for trying, right!

O.k. let me tell you about Surabaya today (No, It's not weather forecast!). When I went for work this morning, the sun was smiling at us and everything was yellow but frankly I say, it was hot for a morning. The streets were crowded by vehicles and was a little stuck. It is O.K. 'cause I get used with it now. Surabaya teaches me about being patient.

This month, Surabaya Mall Owner Community held their annual event 'Surabaya Shopping Festival' (SSF). The malls which participate with this event will give discount up to 70%. Waaaaaaooooooo.........we can get branded item with thrifty price. Sound great right! So you guys who live in Surabaya or around it don't miss it, cause this event will be over in the end of this month. It must be very crowded in the malls,yeah that's what the event held for anyway.

I almost forget about assignments for this evening class. Do you want to know what they are? No?. But sorry you are late, 'cause I am please to let you know. LOL
They are Literature and Discourse Analysis. The assignments from the two credits are about poem. yeah poem! We are asked to find a poem then analyze it. It sounds simple but it's killed. I can handle if it's about novel, but poem?

Well, I think I can ask for a help to uncle Google. Yeah he knows everything. hehehe

No Matter What, Weekend is Yours

2010-05-15T09:12:00.000+07:00

This morning the rain was falling. It had touched everything, and now it seems gray and black. I didn't want to see the world this morning 'cause I was so lazy to wake up. But my alarm disagreed with my body. It woke me up with its noisy voice and forced my body to get up. Great job my alarm! that's what the alarm sets for!

The sun is also unwilling to see us. The good news is it's not hot outside and it will be fun going around the city. But don't forget to bring your umbrella or raincoat 'cause the cloud is making a black circle up there.

And I would like to say thank you very very much for you guys who are so kind to follow my bloggy. You know you give me motivation and support to keep writing and improve my skill to write well. I admit it that I am not a good writer nor a teller,so I am sorry if I make any mistakes. Writing in English is not as easy as pie, I am so appreciate if you want to correct my writing or give me suggestion. And for all of one who have come to visit my bloggy, leave a comment huge thanks for you. I feel like I find new friends and I am so glad and exited. You know, I also visit your blog and read your posts, you are so great! and I wonder how can you write those such wonderful writings.

Lets share our feeling, imagination, opinion, creation, critic, suggestion, emotion or whatever they are for everyone in everywhere.

Have a nice weekend guyz! don't forget to tell us what will you be doing to spend this weekend?

Book is a friend!

2010-05-07T13:05:00.000+07:00

As you know I love reading books and now I am so obsessed with Literature novels. I like the story, the plot, the characters, the costume and the marvelous language of course. I dare to say that they are such a wonderful work. I admire both the writer and the work such as William Shakespeare with his famous works 'Romeo and Juliet', 'Hamlet', 'Macbeth', Jane Austin with her novel which is also adopted to a movie 'Pride and Prejudice', the writer of 'Great Expectation', Charles Dickens, then the Bronte, Charlotte Bronte, Emily Bronte and Ann Bronte.

There are so many works of literature from British literature and American literature. But I prefer the British literature. I think it has a beautiful language and culture. No, I don't say that American literature doesn't have it. You know, it's just a personal taste!

I've just finished reading a great novel by Ann Bronte 'Agnes Grey'.

It's about a young woman named Agnes Grey. He decided to be a governess, a person who is paid to teach children at their home. It's Ann's own experience actually, she depicted between the event and Agnes's feeling as well. I am glad to say that I love Agnes's character. She's smart, patient and idealistic. These are her statement that I like:

"The best way to enjoy yourself is to do what is right and hate nobody. The end of Religion is not to teach us how to die, but how to live; and the earlier you become wise and good, the more of happiness you secure."

Happiness is doing good things and love everybody.

Agnes always feel sufficient whatever her condition, she's so grateful with her modest live. Her love story is also romantic, she's married to a wise and gentlemen, Mr. Edward Weston. (Why is a cool guy always named Edward?)

Once again, I'd like to say I like reading!

Home is where the heart is

2010-05-06T15:19:00.000+07:00

This Saturday I'm gonna go home to my hometown. I am so exited! There's nothing as please as going home, even it will be a quick going home for me it's more than that. You know, it has been 4 months I don't see the face of my hometown. How is it going now?

Then I can eat home food. Here I seldom eat vegetable even fruit. How bad is that! I wonder how can I stand with the monotonous menu such as floss, 'penyetan' (I don't know how to say it in English), Soto.....oww....I am so bored. I know it's not good for my health but those are the simple menus to eat and I can buy them anywhere. (stubborn girl).

I can't wait until Saturday! I'll go home by train. It'll be crowded and jostling, I suppose!

I am really a weeper

2010-04-30T11:53:00.000+07:00

Sometimes I can be so sensitive. I can cry heart out just because find a very poor person or hear touchable story. yeah I admit it that I am a weeper.

It often happens when I am walking at a certain place or am passing a street then seeing a little poor boy with torn cloth and bare foots sleeps in a corner of street. I can't manage my eyes to stop weeping and I can't hide it. It's a shame for a 22 years old woman, I know but do you have a heart if you see some people with very poor condition? It's not only my eyes that is crying but also my heart. I want to help them but what can I do?

I always pray for them, wishfully Allah will bless them and help them to live in expedience. At least they can eat properly and sleep in a secure home.

I am so thankful to Allah. I can sleep in a proper house, have 3 meals a day and wear good clothes. but sometimes I still curse at the sky and says that I hate this live I never get what I want. This feeling is human, we never feel satisfied with what we have got, do we not? We always feel straitened and never be grateful.

Important things that I can learn and do are:
1. Be grateful
2. Don't spend money for useless thing
3. Eat the meal, don't throw it if it still can be eaten
4. Don't be hesitate to contribute my little money for charity
5. Think twice if I want to buy very expensive thing, think I really need it or not
6. Help as you can to people who need it
7. Treat people same

They are simple things but sometimes we ignore it and never realize how important them for people who may have not been lucky. I am not shy to admit that sometimes I never care or even think about it. Hopefully what I am writing now makes me realize that Allah loves me and gives a good life for me. Don't whining again! Look other peoples around you, you may have better life than them.

Life is Colorful

2010-04-27T13:01:00.000+07:00

Welcome my new template!

I love it even I didn't create it by my self but it represents what I want for my bloggy.

I love rainbow because I like seeing many beautiful colors. This world is colorful. It's not only white and black. Open your heart, look other windows. There are lot of happiness outside your life.

Sometimes I feel that I am not a girl with strong character, I like everything and do anything. It's like I don't know who I am and who I wanna be!

I wanna be a girl with one talent but I can do the best for that. But I know, I will never be Miley Cyrus who has beautiful voice, Stepenie Meyer who is be a very famous writer and be able to write wonderful saga or Dakota Fanning who is very talented artist. I will never be someone else how hard I wish.

Because......
I is me. And I will be my self.
Make your life as colorful as the rainbow!